so i am meeting slave k for coffee tomorrow at ten.  apparently her Master found this little journal online.  maybe it offered Him some insight?  maybe not lol.  still having difficulties with my Master not giving me enough guidance.  W/we talked a bit about setting goals for me, but still i don't feel like enough pressure is being put on me.  Like He is not being hard enough on me.  i hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

i am feeling lost and a little bit found.  for days now i have heard that various sources do not feel i am a slave, or not slavelike.  it has completely undermined my sense of self, which has been for the last long while been tied to being owned by Master and by His guidance.   this being shattered, i have felt lost, drifting.
Master and i talked about it, and it appears now that the problem is that my actions are not slavelike at times.  this has me a bit found, as it is better than not being a slave, which i know i am.  i don't know really which would be the lesser of the two evils, discovering one is not a slave and having to start over completely redefining oneself, or discovering one is a slave, but needs a ton of work and needing to completely redefine oneself.  i suppose it is same shit different ends?
but what does being slavelike entail?  i would suppose it means operating with the best interests of the Master in mind at all times.  if that is in fact the definition, then of course i have fouled up a few times, but for the most part i have suceeded.  of course i am supposed to obey, and no one is going to be perfect in that regard.  i try, but i probably foul up more often than most.  and i probably argue discuss more than most, because i want Master to be sure He is making an informed, correct decision.  i just try to help, tis all!

i have asked Master to break me.  i need it so bad i can feel it in my bones.  i need to be entirely subjected to his will, to be bent around it, to be molded and shaped by it.
He says that He has tried before and stopped only when He thought He would do permanent damage.  well fuck it.  i want Him to do it.  i have a sneaking suspicion that it will not be permanent "damage" at all, but improvement.  setting free.  anything is better than this constant feeling of limbo, this uneasiness, this being owned yet feeling free.